Can a person afford to be picky when selecting a surrogate?

by R. Elmore
(Spearfish, SD)

I'm 39 and I've been married 17 years, right after I got out of the army. My wife and I have had our ups and downs but we've weathered them all -- But, she can't have kids. She's been very patient and open to any options I wanted to consider, but when being completely honest with myself I realized that I could neither go the route of IVF, AI nor adoption, for personal moral reasons (in fact, many religions prohibit it.)

I want a genuine biological family conceived in the natural way. I know some would suggest I merely get a divorce then and start over, but at this age I don't even have the luxury of time to do that even if I wanted to and felt morally right in doing so.

I want to be the best dad ever, and including having the youth and energy to raise them right and be able to be there to teach and guide them. By them I mean, I am from a large family and don't relish the idea of having a single child without siblings if I can help it. I feel in many ways that this would be more selfish than remaining childless.

My question is, am I crazy to imagine there is someone out there that is willing to look outside the box and abandon the norms to have multiple kids with me, even if I'm currently married?

I'm a fun, good looking, athletic man with a sharp mind and a good education and own my own business. I have plenty of room in my heart to love.

I'm not exactly a bad catch, but I don't feel I have the time to "start over" even if I wanted to, and my wife would prefer I find an alternative to that as well unless there are no other options.

However, it seems that most surrogates want to be very clinical, and detached. I WANT the biological mother of my children to be part of their life, and I can easily afford to take excellent care of her and a big family for as long as I lived, just for the privilege of my children knowing their biological mother and being part of our life.

I have reached a point in my life where I don't see any other alternatives but I also don't see any way to make it happen. The surrogates I've seen described online pretty much expect to forget they ever had the baby, or pretend to be "aunt" at best. My conscience can't seem to allow me to abandon the mother in any case.

Quite the paradox isn't it? I have reached a point that I would do whatever it takes to have kids with a good mother if I can do so in a reasonable amount of time, but I don't feel right waiting til I'm 40 or 50 and everything is "just right", because the older I get, the less dad years I will have left. I want to at least see them grown up, would be nice to hope to someday consider having grandkids, etc.

Its really hard to explain myself, but suffice it to say, my wife would support me in this, or even in divorce if that's the only way I could make it happen -- but I don't want to lose her as we were best friends long before marriage. However, I have one life to live and the time is running out to consider fatherhood options.

If things cannot work out this way in this day and age, I guess I wouldn't be suprised but I just hoped my lifelong dream of a big happy family isn't over before it began. After so many years I've become a little single-minded perhaps, but if I could change the way I feel I'd have done so long ago.

I realize that pouring my heart out like this will leave me vulnerable to those who heartily disagree - and I respect their opinion, but it won't change my situation or my feelings.

Where should I go from here?

Reply by Rayven

Mr. Elmore,

You are not looking for a surrogate mother, in any way, shape or form, which is probably why you are having difficulty finding exactly what it is that you are looking for.

A surrogate mother, by very definition, carries the child of another couple, and then steps back and lets the parents raise that child. There is NEVER, under ANY circumstances anything sexual in relation with a surrogate mother. Period. (And I apologize if I misunderstood what it is that you were saying, but I gathered that you wanted to father your children intimately with the biological mother.)

But, don't lose hope! There actually is an arrangement out there for those in similar positions as you. It is called Co-Parenting. This is where two people decide to have children together, without benefit of a relationship per-se, and raise them in much the same manor as a divorced couple with joint custody might.

Now, I am by no means an expert on co-parenting. In fact, I know little more about it than I have explained here, but it is much more in line with what you have in mind.

I should also mention that in a co-parenting situation, I have absolutely no idea how it is that the pregnancy occurs, whether it is through AI or intimacy or both. Maybe some other viewers experienced in the matter can share.

I truly wish you the best in your journey.