Considering all angles of traditional surrogacy

by Nicole
(Pittsburgh, PA)

Hello, I just started my research last night after my cousin, through marriage, asked if I would really be a surrogate for her & her husband.

A few years ago I told her that I would be all about it & her & her husband finally decided that there would be no other way. I am a single Mom of a 5yr old & as I look through some of the questions you have posted I can't help but see the common advice of being finished w/your own family before going through w/this & I can assure you that I am NOT finished w/my family but considering I am single I don't foresee me starting again w/my own until my sons at least 12.

I would love to do this for them. I loved being pregnant, aside from the extreme weight gain, & I make beautiful, healthy babies. And what's interesting is that she proposed this to me yesterday morning over the phone & my instincts were 'where do I sign?' but when we sat down face to face I learned that it would be traditional & I feel that that changes things & I suppose in part because my family is not complete.

Is this a normal feeling?

Am I being selfish?

And at first, along w/being elated & honored to give them this gift, the only compensation I was looking for was my nails done on a regular basis but then she threw 10k on the table as "insentive" & it's sort of working.

So what is my question?

Not really a question as much as honest feedback. Like I said, I didn't realize that my eggs were being used & I feel that changes everything but they are great people that want a baby in the worst way.

I've read how you feel it's just a baby & not YOUR baby & I like to think that I feel that way too but as she is a somewhat close relative, to have that child grow up and look more & more like me & my son but not call me Mommy or him brother, I just don't know if I can handle it.

Does this make any sense at all?


Any & all feedback would be appreciated, thanks you to all who reply.
Nicole

Reply by Rayven
Nicole,

It is good that you are thinking about all these things now, before you commit to your cousin.

First, what I personally have felt in the past regarding the gestational surrogacy arrangements I have taken part in are an exception, not the rule, in surrogacy. Most surrogate mothers feel a great deal more emotion than I do with the process. I am unique, and I always hate the "how did YOU feel" questions because of this. Expect to feel a great deal of emotion.

Next, I want to tell you that in no way, shape, or form are you being selfish to weigh all the pros and cons of this situation before "signing". In fact, it would almost be selfish of you NOT to do so.

Yes, you absolutely should complete your own family before you assist anyone in completing theirs. Do all potential surrogates follow this advice? No. And the ones who do not, do they regret it later? Some do, but most probably do not.

I personally feel that the risks outweigh the rewards with this, so I always recommend waiting. You want more children. How would you feel if in assisting your cousin, you lost your ability to ever complete your family? Would you resent your gift to your cousin? Would you regret it? Would it put a strain on your relationship?

And the whole situation about this being a traditional surrogacy and not a gestational surrogacy is something you really need to think through. Not every woman who is comfortable being a gestational surrogate is comfortable being a traditional surrogate. This will be YOUR child, biologically. That is a lot to come to terms with, and you have every right to say "no".

Don't feel guilty if you do decide that this is not for you. Your cousin is willing to compensate a surrogate; she can find another traditional surrogate if necessary. You would not be crushing her dreams if you passed on this at this time.

Whats really important is to take some time right now to think everything through. Don't make hasty decisions or promises, and talk openly to your cousin and other close friends or family about how this decision may affect you in the future. Be honest about your feelings. And don't feel as though you are being selfish. You're not.