Fears that Surrogacy Won't Work

by Jeffrey G.
(Hayward, CA USA)

Why do I feel so scared and fearful that our attempt at Traditional surragacy will not suceed..but afraid also to even admit that.

We are an older gay male couple trying traditional surragacy, there have been many obstacles, some that anyone would go through and some uniuqe to the "gay male couple". After finally having all paper work and contracts in place we proceeded to the ONE IVF facility that will perform for us and the Dr spends several minutes informing us of the lowered % of success for the traditional over gestational and then trys to convince of to consider this option because of the higher % of success. We have considered all options and chose Traditional because there are less drugs involved for the egg donar and it is less painful due to the fact that the eggs do not need to be extracted from the mother. Also, our donar/mother will not participate in a gestational surragacy.
The farther along we go I am becoming more and more fearful that we may not experience success. My husbands sperm count is just satisfactory and our mother is 37 years old.....MY husband does not admit to having simalar fears and won't even discuss options at this point. I need to know that other have fears and hear some stories as my husband shut me out and says that I am "puting bad energy and thoughts out there" when I say we should look and prepare for other avenues. My blood pressure is soaring and I feel that I can talk to no one.

Please, someone tell me that I am not crazy..that my fears are rational and by exploring other ways I am not being a defeatist and or negative. I am just preparing

Reply by Rayven

First, take a deep breath. Relax.

I know this can be stressful; surrogacy is a very emotional and often stressful thing to undertake, especially from the viewpoint of the intended parents. And everyone handles this stress differently.

Do you have cause for worry? This is your child! Of course you have cause for worry! But at the same time, you need to trust in the process and try not to get too worked up. The last thing you need right now is a health scare of your own brought on by stress.

First, yes, your doctor is probably right that a gestational surrogacy with a younger egg donor would probably statistically have a higher rate of success. But that does not mean that your traditional surrogacy will be unsuccessful.

Many, many traditional surrogacy arrangements happen every year. Hundreds, if not thousands of them. It might take more than one try, which is pretty common (so don't even think about losing hope with a failed cycle!)

I am assuming that you and your spouse and your surrogate have all gotten together and decided on a number of attempts and/or a length of time to remain committed to one another in this journey. Give it time, and try to remain positive about it.

Whether you believe in the value of "positive energy" or not, stressing about something has a tendency to be contagious. The very last person on earth you want to be stressed or anxious right now is your surrogate. Stress CAN and WILL affect the outcome of a cycle.

As to the "satisfactory" sperm, if yours is of an equal caliber, have you considered using both? And really, if the experts are calling it satisfactory, I would not worry about it at all.

Give this journey and these upcoming cycles a chance. Try to relax (I like hot baths and wine...the whole bottle if needed...just make sure someone knows you're in there) and take this one step at a time.

If it doesn't work out, and there is a chance that will happen, then explore other solutions. You don't necessarily need all the answers to those solutions right this moment. Don't rule out this journey. You owe it to yourself, your husband, and your surrogate to see it through.