How to cope with family's lack of support

I want to be a surrogate. I think after I had my daugther I knew that this is something that I have to do. I shared with my family about 3 years ago, that I want to do this. Now that the time has come and decisions are being made I feel isolated and alone. I wonder if I'll be able to do this alone.

I really want to do this, but must I wait for my pmother anmd sister to die before I can give what I feel is my contribution to the world?

Reply by Rayven

You had me until you said "die".

Your situation really depends on several factors. First, if you live with your mother and sister, you most likely need their support both emotionally and in most cases, physically, as if you are going to become a gestational surrogate mother, you will need someone to assist you with your shots everyday.

If you do not live with your mother or sister, then their support is not as critical. In fact, the further away from them that you live, the less critical their support. For instance, my mother lived 3000 miles from me during my first surrogacy, which she was highly against. The distance meant that she did not see me pregnant, and it was not the main topic of conversation.

If you are going to be a traditional surrogate mother, understand that your mother and sister might feel as though you will be giving part of their family away, and that they will never have access to that child. This can cause conflict. This is their biological grandchild/niece/nephew and can be emotionally stressful. I actually had to promise my mother that I would never be a traditional surrogate or donate eggs. If I had made the decision to do it anyways, there could have been a major problem in my family.

Its really important to figure out WHY they are against surrogacy, so that you can attempt to overcome their objections. For my mom, she was worried about my safety while pregnant with someone else's baby. I always thought this was a little looney, as she never worried about my safety when I was pregnant with my own kids! But, moms are moms, and generally their concerns stem over love for you. We worked through this issue, and by the second surrogacy she actually went to the transfer with me. (though she was never 100% happy about surrogacy)

Perhaps your mother and sister do not understand the process. You can direct them here, or answer their specific questions yourself. Perhaps they think (if you are going to be a gestational surrogate) that their relative will be out there without them. (happens a lot that extended family think this) Figure out what the objection is, and go from there.

If they are still against it in the end, examine why it is that you really want to do this. I know you said you want to give back, and that is quite common for surrogates. But, in the end, is it worth it if you destroy/alter your family? Sometimes tough choices need to be made. Now, I don't know your situation, or why they lack support, but sometimes our actions can be seen as selfish when they don't take our loved ones into account. Even when we are being unselfish. Make sense?

At the end of the day, surrogacy is a decision YOU make. Its one you will live with, either way. Don't rush anything at this point. Keep talking about it, don't let the issue die, and see what happens.

Best wishes!