I'm 31,but wanting some info about a surrogate having a baby for me,but not sure if my husband and I of 11 years are going to stay together so how to go about using someone elses sperm

by Sarah
(Hutchinson )

I'm on disability from 2 back surgeries including 1 anterior 3 disk Interbody lumbar fusion. I take Opana(morphine pills)&wear a Fentanyl patch(morphine)that I change every 72 hours because I'm in so much pain all the time from my fusion still from Feb. 18th 2009. I've had 2 miscarriages & sad to say & w/deep regrets an abortion 3 weeks before the fusion because my back wouldn't have been able to handle it or couldn't have the fusion done since they cut me open from the front(anterior fusion) but now I'm worse off than ever,can't get off of pain meds because of the chronic pain from the label from my Dr. 'Failed back surgery syndrom'. I want a child of my own though but wanted to get info now instead of waiting in case my husband & I do divorce. If I got better which I'd give anything for,then I could have my own. But I can't&haven't been able to lay on my back for more than 5 minutes sometimes none w/out pain & can't sit in chairs w/out pain either. Anything you can help me w/or info you can send me so I at least know if ONLY BY MYSELF is it even possible if I got a divorce, can someone/a surrogate have a baby for me but I'd need male sperm along w/mine. Thank you for all your time and patience from reading & if you do, answering my questions. P.S. Also since I'm on Disability & get one check/month,I do have Medicaid & Medicare but how much does this cost,would I be approved maybe by my Insurance cover it since Dr's would say I couldn't carry a baby
or stop my pain meds? I would save as much needed if thats what it took. Thanks again for your valuable time.

Reply by Rayven

There are three main issues here. The first is that you will be a single woman attempting surrogacy. That is certainly possible. Many states do have laws on the books stating that the parents must be married, and the mother must have a medical reason why she cannot carry a child, but there is a simple solution if you happen to live in such a state: have your surrogate give birth in a state (such as California) that does not require the parents to be married. I'm really not certain what state you are from, so you will need to check with an attorney in your state to see what your laws are.

In fact, if you are planning divorce and the use of a sperm donor, it is critical that you become divorced FIRST, otherwise, even if a sperm donor is used, your state might recognize your husband as the legal father and he would have parental rights to the child.

The second big issue is the money. I'm sorry to say that surrogacy is quite expensive. You're looking at $40-100K+ for a gestational surrogacy, using your eggs. No, there is no insurance that will even come close to covering it. No, your surrogate mother cannot use government assistance for the pregnancy or birth (its against the law). And no, there are no discounts if you are on a fixed budget. Many would-be intended parents do not have surrogacy as an option to them because of the cost. There is no way around this issue.

Third is the issue of your health. If you are going to be a mother, and a single mother at that, with the current condition of your body, I sincerely hope that you have a very strong support system in place. It is difficult to be a parent. More difficult to be a single parent. Even more difficult to be a single parent going through the stress of a divorce. And unbelievably difficult to add chronic pain into the mix. Physically, and emotionally, it might be best to wait a couple years before attempting something like this. Most intended parents consider surrogacy for years before they are at a point in their lives where it fits.

Best wishes!