Our traditional surrogate is currently 5 months pregnant, we did not know each other before matching, but her and I have become friends. She lives several states away and has recently started asking my husband and I to come to her home to meet her husband. We have not met him in person, my husband is not close with our surrogate, he is grateful for what she is doing for us, but she has many personality "quirks" that he cannot stand, I am friends with her, but he finds her loud and annoying (as he does a lot of my female friends), so he is never too excited about spending time together.
I am sure her husband is nice, he has just been very suspicious of us through our entire journey thus far. I do not want to have to go there and meet him, but cannot find a real solid reason why not. I feel like we have had to jump through so many hoops on our way to parenthood, I just don't see why I need to meet him when she is already pregnant and aside from being her support person and husband he has nothing to do with our child.
My husband feels very strongly that he does not want to meet him, he does not want someone judging him, he does not want to spend days with them, especially making an extra trip, taking time off, etc.. to visit. Her husband comes from a very different background, my husband says he is not looking to meet new friends, and realistically we will probably never see her husband again, so I don't know why it matters if he has a chance to meet us before the birth.
I feel like I am being very selfish, he has just been so suspicious, he is very conservative and judgmental (from what I have heard anyways). The last thing I want to do is make ourselves more uncomfortable than we already have been by having to go there and probably be interrogated and sized up for no reason.
I do not know what to tell our surrogate! She has no idea that my husband does not like her very much as a person, she wants us to meet her husband, she could not imagine us NOT wanting to meet him. So do I tell her it makes us uncomfortable with no valid reasons or do we bite the bullet and jump through one more hoop for someone else?
Reply by Rayven
Karen,
This is a difficult question. First, let me say that there are absolutely no hard and fast rules in surrogacy. Each journey is different, and what is appropriate for one set of intended parents and their surrogate mother isn't necessarily appropriate for another.
Second, this is honestly going to be a question that only you and your husband are going to be able to answer for yourselves. All I can really do is make you aware of some possibilities you may not have thought of.
First, is your surrogate's husband going to be with her in the delivery room, and thus, with the two of you as well? If so, it might make more sense to meet him now (or soon) rather than at the time of the birth. If you think he might be judgmental now, it could be worse later when he may feel you've been avoiding him.
Of course, this could also be turned around and it could be said that if you are going to meet just prior to the birth anyway, fitting in another trip cross-country now might not make as much sense, if it is simply for all parties to get to know one another better.
I find it interesting that your husband cannot stand your traditional surrogate. If she was a gestational surrogate, one could smile and roll one's eyes, but this is the actual biological mother of the child; those quirky traits might be passed on.
Another thing to think about is what you will eventually tell your child about how she came to be in this world. Its natural she will have questions about the woman who carried her, and her questions might include those in your surrogate's family. It may or may not be important to you in the future to have a little more knowledge about your surrogate's husband. Again, just trying to give you things to think about.
Ultimately, you need to do what is best for your family. If making another trip out there at this time is going to put strain on you two, tell your surrogate that! Chances are you are going to be spending quite some time there in the very near future as your baby is born. Its hard for any couple to take time out for their child's birth, but to do it repetitively is not feasible for most. Be honest about that part, and, leave out the bit about your husband not liking her and your desire not to get to know her husband.
Now, I do have to say that in hindsight (mainly for others just getting started who may be reading this now), all parties should have met long before any pregnancy attempts were made. A surrogate's husband is extremely important. This man does have a lot to do with your baby. He is supporting his pregnant, hormonal wife in a way you do not see because you are not living with them. He has to deal with her tiredness, her moodiness, and he is doing all this for a child that isn't his. On a personal note, I would never have been able to be a surrogate mother without my husband. They honestly are a lot more involved than most people realize.
Congratulations on the pregnancy, and best wishes to all of you for a happy, healthy baby!
