My wife wants to become a surrogate mother, but I have concerns

by Robert
(Valencia CA. USA)

Hello,

My wife keeps talking to me about wanting to be a surrogate mom. I don't know how to reply. I dont know what to say. Just a brief history on our family. My name is Robert, I am happily married to my wife and we have two kids. (They are actually my step kids) we have been married for 1 year and 4 months. The questions that keep going through my mind are-

1. What happens if their is a complication to the pregnancy?
2. What happens if my wife gets really sick or death takes toll due to this procedure?
3. How should I feel about this since she wants to have a baby for someone before we have a baby together?
4. What are our 2 children going to think (ages 2 & 5)when she is pregnant one day and not the next, and not bringing home a baby?
5. What do I say to people when they come up to us and say congradulations? Do I say thanks but its not mine?
6.How do I deal with knowing she is pregnant and not comming home with my baby?
7. Is my wife going to be attached to this baby? Is she not going to want to give it up? Is she going to go through psycological issues due to this?
8. Am I going to be attached to this baby and am I going to deal with psycological issues.
9. Are our children going to be attached to the baby and are they going to deal with psycological issues?
10. Do I have any say in this at all?
11. Should she be able to do what she wants or should she listen to what I have to say about my worries?

Please answer my questions. Please help me understand.

Thank you,

Robert

Reply by Rayven

Thank you so much for asking these terrific questions, Robert. So often, the surrogacy community hears from women who want to become surrogate mothers, but whose husband does not want them to. We hardly ever hear the actual concerns of the husbands, and often guess! It is so refreshing to see a spouse who has taken the time to do some research and comes to a conclusion that way!

I'm going to answer your questions as they are asked below. Great questions!


1. What happens if their is a complication to the pregnancy?

Answer
Complications do happen in pregnancy, and that is one of the risks a woman who decides to become a surrogate mother takes. The most likely complications, though rare, would regard your wife's ability to carry future pregnancies.

2. What happens if my wife gets really sick or death takes toll due to this procedure?

Answer
This was actually my own mother's biggest concern with my decision to become a surrogate (my husband didn't think of it.)

Every pregnancy comes with risks. But death is extremely rare in this day and age in America. I said "extremely rare", not impossible. Most surrogacy contracts do provide for a life insurance policy for the surrogate.

But ask yourself this: would you be concerned with her death if she was pregnant with your child? Would you loose sleep over it, or be happy and excited? Today, pregnancy is not something to be worried about in this way.


3. How should I feel about this since she wants to have a baby for someone before we have a baby together?

Answer
I am a huge proponent of a woman completing her own family FIRST before considering surrogacy. Other people differ in their opinion of this.

Personally, I would not have become a surrogate mother if I wanted more children. Complications CAN happen. If, worst case scenario, she were to lose her uterus, for example, then she would be unable to have any more children, and may have to turn towards a surrogate mother herself to complete your family. I've seen it happen.

4. What are our 2 children going to think (ages 2 & 5)when she is pregnant one day and not the next, and not bringing home a baby?

Answer
Kids are a lot more understanding that you would think. My own were 4 & 6 when we first started in surrogacy. I really thought it would be difficult to explain everything to them, but honestly, they understood the situation better than most adults.

The kids will be fine. Just tell them that the baby is a friend's.

5. What do I say to people when they come up to us and say congradulations? Do I say thanks but its not mine?

Answer
My husband has a warped sense of humor. This was his favorite part of the surrogacy! He loved saying "What do I care- they're not mine." He'd say this deadpan, then just walk off and let me explain! It was a fun game for him.

But seriously, you tell them whatever you want. If it's a total stranger and you don't want to get into it, just say "thanks" and leave it at that. If it is someone you will be seeing on a regular basis who will wonder what happened to the baby, a short "my wife is a surrogate" is appropriate.


6.How do I deal with knowing she is pregnant and not comming home with my baby?

Answer
Not everyone is cut out for surrogacy, and a journey is not made by a woman alone. Her husband and family MUST be 100% on board and supportive. This issue is one that you will need to work out with her, in advance of looking for intended parents to work with.

Be open and honest with your wife about your feelings. Talk to her about your concerns, and go from there.

7. Is my wife going to be attached to this baby? Is she not going to want to give it up? Is she going to go through psycological issues due to this?

Answer
I don't know her; each woman is different. Most of the women who want to become a surrogate know in their hearts that they will not become attached to the baby. I wasn't. Most are much more attached to the intended parents.

But many surrogates do grieve after the delivery of the baby in their own way. This is normal and usually passes rather quickly.

As to if she wants to give up the baby, if she is going to be a gestational surrogate mother, she will not have a legal choice to keep the baby.


8. Am I going to be attached to this baby and am I going to deal with psycological issues.

Answer
That's something only you will be able to answer. If you feel like this would be difficult for you, then you need to be very clear and explain this to your wife. Again, surrogacy is a journey between two families, not between a woman and intended parents.

If you feel that you will have trouble with the birth of the baby, then your wife should probably not become a surrogate mother.

9. Are our children going to be attached to the baby and are they going to deal with psycological issues?

Answer
Probably not. The baby is not real to the kids, especially at their young age. If you tell them the baby is going home with his parents from the beginning, they will accept this and won't have any sort of problems.

10. Do I have any say in this at all?

Answer
YES! You absolutely have a say in all this! You need to make your thoughts and feelings clear to your wife.

I've said it once and I will say it again: It is not worth risking your marriage to help someone else. Period. It just doesn't make sense.

11. Should she be able to do what she wants or should she listen to what I have to say about my worries?

Answer
A marriage is about communication, compromise, and journeying through life together. Surrogacy is a very difficult physical and emotional whirlwind, for BOTH families.

She needs to listen to you, and together you need to come to a decision about surrogacy, whether to do it now, wait until you are done having your own family, or not do it at all.