should the traditonal surrogate be allowed to hold the baby at birth?

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should the traditonal surrogate be allowed to hold the baby at birth?

by Tamara
(Reynoldsburg,Ohio, USA)

My husband and I have found our surrogate, a close family friend who is 6 months pregnant with her own child. My husband has a fascination with pregnant women. Already, he is all over her tummy trying to feel the baby move and listening for its heartbeat,while placing his head on her tummy.This isnt even his/our baby that hes doing this to her with! I know I shouldnt be jealous, but I am, and it makes me very sad. Once she is pregnant with our child Im quite certain his behaviour will be much worse.Even though she will be a traditional surrogate, is it wrong of me to request that she NOT hold the baby at birth? After all it will be MY baby and not for her...Im trying not to be greedy, jealous and sad in all of this, but its very hard. I can not carry a baby and so my husband will never feel his child growing inside of me... never place his head to my tummy to listen for his childs heart...I know this is a major sacrifice for her..We have already discussed staying in contact and making her and her husband god parents..I just dont want her to bond with a baby that is ultimately intended to be MY child. Is that wrong of me? How do I handle this??

Reply by Rayven

Tamara,
It sounds as if you have quite a few issues going on here, the least of which is the fear of your traditional surrogate mother holding the baby when he is born.

First, lets talk about the jealousy. Jealousy is one of the "unspoken" issues of surrogacy, but contributes the biggest to surrogacy arrangements that turn into nightmares. Being jealous of the fact that your surrogate mother is able to carry your baby is natural, but you need to examine your jealousy and find ways to manage it now, before you start your journey.

And if your husband's actions are making you uncomfortable, now is the time to talk with him about them. It is extremely important that you communicate with one another and reach an understanding. If needed, seek the advice of a counselor.

Failing to acknowledge and deal with issues of jealousy before the surrogacy begins will almost certainly result in a bad journey, filled with accusations and hurt feelings. And more importantly, in your situation, it can permanently destroy a friendship.

Your comments about your surrogate holding the baby confuse me. Most surrogacy arrangements happen between intended parents and surrogate mothers who are virtual strangers. They meet for the purpose of bringing a baby into the world, and though they may part as friends, they didn't start out that way.

Often, intended mothers ask if they should "let" the surrogate hold the baby, concerned about bonding issues. If your surrogate mother was going to bond with the baby, it would most likely have been done long before the birth. Most surrogate mothers like to have a chance to see that the baby is OK, and to say good bye. There is absolutely no reason why you would not want the surrogate mother to hold the baby.

She shouldn't be the first person to do so, however. You and your husband should.

The reason your question on the surrogate holding the baby confuses me is because you have stated that your surrogate is a close friend, and you plan on making her a god-parent. It seems odd to me that you would be concerned over her bonding with her own god-child. She should bond with the baby. That's a good thing!

Nearly every surrogate mother has the opportunity to hold the baby. You've trusted her to carry your child for 9 months. You can trust her to hold that child in her arms.

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should the traditonal surrogate be allowed to hold the baby at birth?

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Oct 07, 2009
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another surrogate
by: Anonymous

Maybe you should think of getting someone that you do not know, and have not bonded with. If you are insecure of not nbeing able to share the pregnancy, you may have negative feelings that can take years to heal. I understand your need to insure that it is your pregnancy and your time to be joyful and it is your right as well to experience this as much as possible. With someone other than a close friend, you may have more control emotionally in decisions you make knowing that you do not have to second guess yourself in what you want the surrogate mother to do or not do.

Aug 29, 2009
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It's Your Pregnancy
by: Rayven from Information on Surrogacy

The pregnancy should be referred to as your pregnancy; it is. It is your baby, and your pregnancy; you're just not the one carrying.

If going to all the OB appointments with your surrogate is something you want, just make sure to discuss this with her in advance. Communication is key here. Some intended parents want to be there for everything and some don't want to be there at all, with most falling in the middle.

Hospitals vary on their policies for who they allow in the delivery room; you'll have to check with them. My hospital allowed as many people as you wanted in for a vaginal delivery. Even kids (mine accidentally ended up at delivery for the last surro-baby I delivered; but unfortunately, the intended parents did not make it).

With the twins, the hospital required me to delivery in the operating room, in case an emergency c-section was required. Their policy was that only one person may join me in the operating room, but they made an exception in our case, with special permission, at the very last minute, and allowed my husband and both the intended parents in the operating room. It was cramped, with so many people, but they squeezed in!

I can't imagine that a hospital will not allow all three of you in the delivery room. If that were the case, I would most definitely find a different hospital. In the operating room, if only one person is allowed, that will be up to your surrogate. I would have chosen my husband, mainly because this is surgery.

In addition to being the first to hold your baby, you will also get the opportunity to cut the cord. This privileged usually falls to the intended mother, instead of the intended father, because it is one little way for her to be a part of the birth of her child. And if there was the opportunity for just one of the intended parents to be at the birth of the child, it is usually the intended mother who will be chosen, for the same reasons.

Surrogacy is an emotional roller-coaster, but just remember; in the end, your baby will be here.

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Aug 29, 2009
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Submitted by: Rayven from Information on Surrogacy

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The pregnancy should be referred to as your pregnancy; it is. It is your baby, and your pregnancy; you're just not the one carrying. If going to all the OB appointments with your surrogate is something you want, just make sure to discuss this with her in advance. Communication is key here. Some intended parents want to be there for everything and some don't want to be there at all, with most falling in the middle. Hospitals vary on their policies for who they allow in the delivery room; you'll have to check with them. My hospital allowed as many people as you wanted in for a vaginal delivery. Even kids (mine accidentally ended up at delivery for the last surro-baby I delivered; but unfortunately, the intended parents did not make it). With the twins, the hospital required me to delivery in the operating room, in case an emergency c-section was required. Their policy was that only one person may join me in the operating room, but they made an exception in our case, with special permission, at the very last minute, and allowed my husband and both the intended parents in the operating room. It was cramped, with so many people, but they squeezed in! I can't imagine that a hospital will not allow all three of you in the delivery room. If that were the case, I would most definitely find a different hospital. In the operating room, if only one person is allowed, that will be up to your surrogate. I would have chosen my husband, mainly because this is surgery. In addition to being the first to hold your baby, you will also get the opportunity to cut the cord. This privileged usually falls to the intended mother, instead of the intended father, because it is one little way for her to be a part of the birth of her child. And if there was the opportunity for just one of the intended parents to be at the birth of the child, it is usually the intended mother who will be chosen, for the same reasons. Surrogacy is an emotional roller-coaster, but just remember; in the end, your baby will be here.

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Aug 28, 2009
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Are my fears rational?
by: Tamara

Like I said in the first post, I know I shouldnt be jealous and having these feelings. I have already talked with my husband and our surrogate.Both of them are understanding of my fears and tears.My biggest thing is I dont want to be left out of this experience.We have agreed to make a photo journal, chronicaling our surrogate journey,all of us together.We still have 9 more months before we can even start trying for our surrogate to get pregnant.

Im awfully glad you stated that my husband and I should be the first ones to hold the baby and not the surrogate. I guess that was a major fear as well, along with her bonding with the baby.So, why is it a GOOD THING for her to body with the baby???We still have time and I want/need as much feed back as I can get.

My husband and I want this baby so badly and I dont want to do anything that may jeopardize our friendship once the baby is born. I hope we always remain close...

Is it wrong for me to refer to her pregnancy as "our pregnancy"?And for my husband and I to request to be at important O.B. appointments???

Currently we have agreed that she needs her husband present during the delivery, which I totaly get, thats very scary ordeal to go through without your biggest support person present.Who else should be allowed in the delivery room if only 2 people can be present?My husband or myself???Is it possible that the hospital staff would make a concession in the case of a surrgate birth, if the surrogate mother agrees to us both being present?

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Aug 28, 2009
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Submitted by: Tamara

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Like I said in the first post, I know I shouldnt be jealous and having these feelings. I have already talked with my husband and our surrogate.Both of them are understanding of my fears and tears.My biggest thing is I dont want to be left out of this experience.We have agreed to make a photo journal, chronicaling our surrogate journey,all of us together.We still have 9 more months before we can even start trying for our surrogate to get pregnant. Im awfully glad you stated that my husband and I should be the first ones to hold the baby and not the surrogate. I guess that was a major fear as well, along with her bonding with the baby.So, why is it a GOOD THING for her to body with the baby???We still have time and I want/need as much feed back as I can get. My husband and I want this baby so badly and I dont want to do anything that may jeopardize our friendship once the baby is born. I hope we always remain close... Is it wrong for me to refer to her pregnancy as "our pregnancy"?And for my husband and I to request to be at important O.B. appointments??? Currently we have agreed that she needs her husband present during the delivery, which I totaly get, thats very scary ordeal to go through without your biggest support person present.Who else should be allowed in the delivery room if only 2 people can be present?My husband or myself???Is it possible that the hospital staff would make a concession in the case of a surrgate birth, if the surrogate mother agrees to us both being present?

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