telling my fiance that i want to be a surrogate?

by Kelsey
(AL)

i want to do this and i have decided to do it but how do i tell my fiance or my family about my decision?

Reply by Rayven
Well, first off, its really hard for me to hear that you have decided to do this WITHOUT telling your fiance. Surrogacy is not a decision one woman makes to help another family; its a decision that one family makes to help another family. Your fiance will be critically involved in this entire process, will have to undergo testing, may have to sign legal documents, will have contractual obligations to follow (regarding smoking, ability to travel, possible exclusions on job promotions/relocating, etc) PLUS will have to cope with the day-to-day feelings of watching his fiancee/wife being pregnant with someone else's child.

I could NEVER do surrogacy without the complete support of my husband, and I told him about it very early in my research to become a surrogate. We discussed it, he was fine with it, and we went on from there. Surrogacy is a rough emotional rollercoaster. It puts stress on a relationship, both the surrogate mother's relationship with her partner and the intended parents' relationship with one another. It is simply not worth it for a surrogate mother to put her relationship at risk helping someone else.

Having said all that, I think it would be a good idea to discuss surrogacy with your fiance, and ask how he feels about it, instead of telling him that you are going to do this. If he does have objections, honestly listen to them and treat them seriously. See if you can work through them. If not, surrogacy might not be the best option for you.

If you have the support of your fiance, then tell your family. Naysayers in the extended family are not as critical as your partner. If you have his support, you can overcome any objections you might encounter with the general family.

It helps to put into words your reasons for desiring to become a surrogate mother, and lead with this. When family and friends understand the "why" behind this commitment, they tend to jump on board a lot faster.

Best wishes!