My husband and I have been trying for a year and half to conceive (we did once but miscarried). The problem is I don't ovulate without a lot of medical help. (I'm 25, husband is 27) We have hit the end of what our insurance will cover, and before pursuing more fertility treatment out of pocket, are considering all our options. The other day a very wonderful and dear friend offered to be a surrogate for us. (Tradition surrogacy I believe is the correct terminology. Her egg, my husbands sperm) She had a beautiful boy a year ago, and while her husband tragically passed, she did have a relatively normal pregnancy without any complications. I am open to adoption and so it does not upset me that the child would not be biologically tied to me. I have read about the importance of getting lawyers etc, but am trying to prepare myself for what the emotional toll might be. My knee jerk reaction is one of joy of the prospect of a child, but I wonder how I will really feel to watch someone else carry my baby and experience the joys of pregnancy I may feel should be "mine"? Other emotional/psychological things to consider that are common for IPs? Thank you for your help.
Reply by Rayven As this is a close friend, it is very good that you are examining what emotions might take place ahead of time. What happens during this pregnancy will alter your friendship; whether that is a good thing or a bad thing remains to be seen.
Many intended mothers do just fine during surrogacy. They have made peace with the fact that they will be unable to carry their child, and have firmly decided to enjoy this experience for what it is.
Some, however, even with good intentions, experience intense jealousy and sorrow. These feelings are sometimes directed at their surrogate mother. It can certainly strain a relationship, both between the surrogate mother and her intended mother, and between the intended parents themselves.
In addition, many intended parents feel a total lack of control. Yes, it is your baby, but despite a carefully worded contract, the bottom line is you have absolutely no control over the pregnancy itself. Many intended parents become "micromanagers"; invading the surrogate's space every moment of her day, telling her what to eat, what activities she is allowed to do, even what cleaners she is allowed to use in her home. This situation can spiral out of control fast.
Will these things happen to you? Probably not. Especially if you work through the possibilities now. But do work through them, with your husband and your potential surrogate.
